Holiday etiquette dilemma: What's just enough?

By SHAWN FLOYD , Staff writer
11/27/2002

Joy Weaver demonstrates the correct way to hold silverware in a setting where manners matter. Matt Nachtrieb/DFWCN photo.

Making excuses when someone surprises you with a gift is something nearly everyone does at this time of the year.

But it doesn't have to be that way, said protocol expert Joy Weaver of Plano.

"People make the situation worse when they make excuses or go overboard with apologies because they don't have a gift to exchange," said Weaver, 41, a communications strategist who, as president of Protocol Enterprises Inc., specializes in corporate and social etiquette.

So what do you do in a situation like this, when you've received and gift and haven't reciprocated?

"Just say, 'Thank you,' and follow up with a nice note," said Weaver. "You can always send a gift later."

To avoid a recurrence of this situation, Weaver said that old "be prepared" adage from your Scouting days can, as never before, be put to good advantage and in this way, it's best to have several generic gifts on hand.

Just make sure those gifts aren't ones that have been given to you before as Weaver said "re-gifting" is a definite no-no. It may be tempting, but she said, "Don't do it!"

Weaver is a graduate of the Protocol School of Washington, D.C., and Leticia Baldrige's Business Etiquette program.

During President John F. Kennedy's administration, Baldrige was chief of staff to Jackie Kennedy. Weaver said after all that training - training she said is reminiscent of boot camp - there are still times when she needs a refresher.

In that case she calls the toll-free number and sometimes even talks to Baldrige herself.

Most of the time, however, Weaver is giving seminars on etiquette to individuals at churches and corporations - wherever her services are needed.

This time of the year is her busiest, she said, because of all the holiday parties. Because of the demand in November and December, she has even compiled a list of what not to do in a holiday social and business setting. She calls it "Top 10 holiday faux pas."

In this list there is something for everyone, including the right way to address those Christmas cards.

"The husband's first name should not be separated from his last name," said Weaver, reading from her list. "Many people think the husband's name should go first as in John and Lisa Smith, but the correct way for married couples to write their name is Lisa and John Smith."

One thing that isn't on the list but that you can mull over as you bite into that olive is that the way you put your food in your mouth is the way you download it. So, if you put the olive in with the fork, the pit goes back to the plate via the fork.

Some people know this, most don't, and Weaver is happy to oblige with her little-known etiquette factoids that are essential to any social setting, including passing both the salt and pepper together at the dinner table.

Weaver said that any time manners are required, there is always confusion.

One of these times might be during a banquet and diners aren't sure which napkins are theirs. In this case, she said, diners may be tempted to grab the napkin to the left but it's actually the one on the right that's yours.

"Remember BMW," she said. "Like in the automobile, but in this case BMW stands for bread, meal and water, starting with the bread and butter plate on the left, the meal in the middle and the water on the right."

This said, Weaver notes that while manners are extremely important in any social or business environment, don't think of it as a crisis du jour.

As important as manners are to a career or a relationship, worse than bad manners is pointing out someone else's bad manners. Don't be a know-it-all, but be someone who quietly practices what they've learned.

"Being gracious is important," she said.

Remembering that other cultures have a whole different set of rules of etiquette is also important.

"There are two different ways of eating," said Weaver. "American and Continental style. Here in the United States, and especially in the South, the American style is the one we see most often, where we cut the meat with the fork in our left hand and the knife in our right and then after the meat is cut, we transfer the knife and fork to our other hand.

"In Europe it's not like that; after you cut the meat, you don't transfer the cutlery to the other hand. As long as you know that, then you're OK."

There are other cultural differences as well, such as men wearing a hat or cap to the dinner table. Other differences might be so subtle, you might not even be aware of them.

"In the Japanese culture," said Weaver, "when you're invited to someone's home for dinner and say there is a large mural on one wall, you, as the guest, might be seated so that your back is facing the mural so you look good against the mural.

"Here in our country, you would probably be seated facing the mural so that you would have something to look at."

In any culture, Weaver said the worst place to talk business is in the bathroom.

"Business discussions have no place in the bathroom," she said, adding that at all other times in a social or business party setting, the subject of work should be kept to a minimum.

And, she reminds others to always attend your company holiday party. Not doing so, she said, can be a "career killer."

"This shows disrespect for your company, supervisors, and colleagues," Weaver said.

A Las Colinas transplant to Plano, Weaver said she and her husband, James Weaver, are planning four parties for this holiday season and that those parties mostly revolve around her fellow Prestonwood Baptist church members.

Whatever the occasion or the locale, good manners are always appropriate, and Weaver said while they're "in" now, there was a time when they were sorely lacking.

"In the '60s, '70s, and '80s, because of the culture of peace, love, rock 'n' roll, their parents may have taught them, but then they put that aside," she said.

Of course, it's never too late to change.

"People are like diamonds," said Weaver. "We all have a basic value, but it's not till we're polished that our true values are recognized."

Weaver knows this to be true, since she said she was only 18 months old when her mother died and she was sent to be reared by an elderly aunt.

"I was raised by her on a farm; and while I learned the basics, there is so much more I learned in the business world."

The admonition from mother or father to "mind your manners" may be something you haven't heard in a while, but it's still uppermost in importance: Manners can reveal so much about a person.

And while that parental drilling may be a thing of the past, Weaver considers etiquette a very serious business in that it can make or break a career. She said it's also important not to be so stuffy that you forget about two of the most important rules of life and etiquette.

"Don't forget to use humor," she said. "And, never ever point out someone else's bad manners."

Tips for the well-mannered

1. Always err on the side of being conservative, especially when it comes to drinking, dressing and gift-giving.

2. Always attend your company holiday party.

3. Thank the host or hostess for the party by ringing a gift, thanking her or him before leaving the party, and sending a thank-you note.

4. Give gifts that honor the recipient. Refrain, from giving a gift that fits your taste.

5. Always call to confirm what is "holiday attire." This term can have various meanings to different people.

6. Always respond within a few days of receiving an invitation.

7. Always keep your cell phone off at parties.

8. Make a point to remember the names of the people you meet by repeating their name back as you meet someone new and associating the person with someone else you know.

9. Maintain a balanced conversation. Refrain from boring "business talk" or too much "kid talk."

10. Prioritize socializing at holiday parties instead of eating or drinking.

11. Have extra holiday gifts on hand.

12. Always send a thank-you note for gifts within the first week if possible.

©Plano Star Courier 2002